I don’t think I have ever missed an Easter service. For the past 30 plus years….I have spent it either with family attending, or by myself. So as I sit here at 2am wondering what it means to me…I am taken back to the phrase, “He Is Risen.” Easter. A reminder of the entire purpose of Jesus being born into the World. For us. Even if it is just an idea….a story to keep you warm at night…what a thought? That OUR God loved us, lowly people, to the extent that HE wanted to show us that by sending HIS son to be offered as a sacrifice for our past, present and future sins. What other God has done that? Not one. So God, Thank you.
When you’re eating a turkey and cheese sandwich at 1:42am on a Saturday night, and trying to figure out where to begin…..with school….work..or cleaning…..you know that somewhere along the line, your life became off kilter. To say that I am overloaded would be an understatement. My plate is full. No room for desert, nothing. No room for self care….mental health checks, physical health checks. My time is invested into making sure that I do what I can for my clients. And I am exhausted. Between being a single mother, a student, a daughter….a supposed girlfriend or whatever to my prison bound baby daddy. I can no longer be stretched in a million and one directions. It is enough and something has to give. Personally, I have no earthly idea of how to handle it. What to push to the side. What can wait…. I really need some wisdom. Some clarity. Something. But for now, I will retire…because starting something at 2am will only lead to mess.
I decided that my life would be a story. I don’t know when exactly, but someday. I want to be alive, if it turns into a movie, or a series. Of course, I would have to clean it up some. Take out all of the S-E-X Keith and I used to have back in the day. Take out all of the boring…mundane part of my life, like going to work. Keep it exciting. Like….hmmm..raising my kids? I am finally doing what I love. Working at a law office. Working with fantastic people. I don’t make what I want to make…but….I maintain. I finish my Masters Degree in 9 months. Then what? Law school. Hah. Will I survive it? I hope so!!! I honestly love my life. Its 11:40pm. I need to post on my discussion board at school. I need to clean EVERYTHING. BUT. I LOVE my life. I LOVE my kids. God has been good…no GREAT to me. I do not deserve it. But HE has me on earth for a reason. A purpose. Much more than I can imagine. More coming soon……………….
I will add at a title at the end. As I sit up and work on my MPA, and work on Legal paperwork for work next week….I think about the fact that I do not want to be awake still. I would rather be asleep after a long shift. Not working on PAPERS. But everyone likes a great story….the story of the underdog. The story that says I succeed in the end. Working two jobs, working on a Masters degree. Working on a Novel even. I make it out on top right? Great story. But real life sucks. I want to be on the phone chatting it up about nothing with a cute guy. But I have to stay focused. Don’t give in to my impulse desires that tend to set me off track. Its an interesting dilemma………. I do hope that one day I an tell this story. But for now, I feel like I am drowning!
I have missed you….sacred blog. I have written for as long as I can remember. Writing just to write. I don’t want likes. I just need writing. My heart is full. Full in the sense of overwhelmed. I am not sure I can take another step sometimes. So I do what we did tonight. A brief escape. Filled with chaos.
I am consumed with thoughts that ask….what is my next step? Should I demand more? Do I deserve to be devalued. What is it..what is my next step…what are my next words. God help. These are things I cannot figure out. I have no idea.
When your life feels chaotic. And the world feels chaotic. The only answer is that I am not spending enough time in my quiet place. The place where my soul is restored. I keep thinking I need therapy. To help me think through my life choices. A person, in an imperfect state, cannot help me through this life. Only prayer. The heartfelt prayer from my heart to God’s….will be the answer. For now. This is my therapy.
Today. September 17th, 2017th. I make a commitment to myself and God to no longer overbook myself. To manage my time wisely. To manage my money wisely. To take better care of myself. To take a day ‘off’ every once in a while. To not feel guilty when I leave my daughter at daycare. To be kinder. To read the BIBLE. To understand that while I may not be living a grand scale purpose right now….that I should live my everday, difficult life as if it were just as important. I commit to spend more time having fun with my kids. To let myself LIVE. To let myself be HAPPY. To get REST. To not fight every single battle. To let HIM handle my life…my future. To NOT give up on myself. To LOVE myself. To present myself WELL. To watch what I eat. To LOVE my family. To not be so afraid of everything. To not wear myself applying for THE job, and trust God for THAT job for ME. To trust that HE already knows and created me WITH certain talents. He will GUIDE me to where I need to use them. To not only think about myself. To WANT to live.
I make these commitments Today. September 17th, 2017.
There are times when it feels like EVERYTHING is overwhelming. Today, I was on edge. Lack of sleep doesn’t help. My daughter doesn’t sleep. Once I go to sleep, she wakes up. As if to torture me. Sometimes I really don’t even want my children. I just want my own space. My own everything. I have no money because of them. I. Have. Nothing. What am I supposed to do with this life? I’m going nowhere. Doing nothing. Running in circles. And for what? A life that seems impossible. Setbacks. Failures. What do I do God? My kids are stressing me out. My life is stressing me out. I’m tired of it all. I wonder if I will ever catch a break. Financially. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. When? Or is this my plot in life? Punishment for being the biggest bitch ever to my family? Why Me? Why do I have to live like this? I hate it. I’m lonely. I’m miserable, and I hate it.