I decided that my life would be a story. I don’t know when exactly, but someday. I want to be alive, if it turns into a movie, or a series. Of course, I would have to clean it up some. Take out all of the S-E-X Keith and I used to have back in the day. Take out all of the boring…mundane part of my life, like going to work. Keep it exciting. Like….hmmm..raising my kids? I am finally doing what I love. Working at a law office. Working with fantastic people. I don’t make what I want to make…but….I maintain. I finish my Masters Degree in 9 months. Then what? Law school. Hah. Will I survive it? I hope so!!! I honestly love my life. Its 11:40pm. I need to post on my discussion board at school. I need to clean EVERYTHING. BUT. I LOVE my life. I LOVE my kids. God has been good…no GREAT to me. I do not deserve it. But HE has me on earth for a reason. A purpose. Much more than I can imagine. More coming soon……………….
I will add at a title at the end. As I sit up and work on my MPA, and work on Legal paperwork for work next week….I think about the fact that I do not want to be awake still. I would rather be asleep after a long shift. Not working on PAPERS. But everyone likes a great story….the story of the underdog. The story that says I succeed in the end. Working two jobs, working on a Masters degree. Working on a Novel even. I make it out on top right? Great story. But real life sucks. I want to be on the phone chatting it up about nothing with a cute guy. But I have to stay focused. Don’t give in to my impulse desires that tend to set me off track. Its an interesting dilemma………. I do hope that one day I an tell this story. But for now, I feel like I am drowning!
I have missed you….sacred blog. I have written for as long as I can remember. Writing just to write. I don’t want likes. I just need writing. My heart is full. Full in the sense of overwhelmed. I am not sure I can take another step sometimes. So I do what we did tonight. A brief escape. Filled with chaos.
I am consumed with thoughts that ask….what is my next step? Should I demand more? Do I deserve to be devalued. What is it..what is my next step…what are my next words. God help. These are things I cannot figure out. I have no idea.
When your life feels chaotic. And the world feels chaotic. The only answer is that I am not spending enough time in my quiet place. The place where my soul is restored. I keep thinking I need therapy. To help me think through my life choices. A person, in an imperfect state, cannot help me through this life. Only prayer. The heartfelt prayer from my heart to God’s….will be the answer. For now. This is my therapy.
Today. September 17th, 2017th. I make a commitment to myself and God to no longer overbook myself. To manage my time wisely. To manage my money wisely. To take better care of myself. To take a day ‘off’ every once in a while. To not feel guilty when I leave my daughter at daycare. To be kinder. To read the BIBLE. To understand that while I may not be living a grand scale purpose right now….that I should live my everday, difficult life as if it were just as important. I commit to spend more time having fun with my kids. To let myself LIVE. To let myself be HAPPY. To get REST. To not fight every single battle. To let HIM handle my life…my future. To NOT give up on myself. To LOVE myself. To present myself WELL. To watch what I eat. To LOVE my family. To not be so afraid of everything. To not wear myself applying for THE job, and trust God for THAT job for ME. To trust that HE already knows and created me WITH certain talents. He will GUIDE me to where I need to use them. To not only think about myself. To WANT to live.
I make these commitments Today. September 17th, 2017.
There are times when it feels like EVERYTHING is overwhelming. Today, I was on edge. Lack of sleep doesn’t help. My daughter doesn’t sleep. Once I go to sleep, she wakes up. As if to torture me. Sometimes I really don’t even want my children. I just want my own space. My own everything. I have no money because of them. I. Have. Nothing. What am I supposed to do with this life? I’m going nowhere. Doing nothing. Running in circles. And for what? A life that seems impossible. Setbacks. Failures. What do I do God? My kids are stressing me out. My life is stressing me out. I’m tired of it all. I wonder if I will ever catch a break. Financially. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. When? Or is this my plot in life? Punishment for being the biggest bitch ever to my family? Why Me? Why do I have to live like this? I hate it. I’m lonely. I’m miserable, and I hate it.
The feelings of depression have gotten worse. My chest feels so heavy. Most of it is the feeling that my situation wont change. I will never be financially stable. I feel like i’m a dead end. I wonder, when will this end? I cant live like this. Ive hit a wall. I need God’s help.
I’m nobody fancy. I’m not an executive at any major corporation. I’m not a journalist. I’m not a producer. I’m nobody special. I’m me. Currently a barista. Nothing more. I feel lonely on a regular basis. Except when i’m at work, then i’m surrounded by needy customers.
I often wonder if I will ever be anyone at all? I always thought I would be more. I always thought I would be special. I would stand out. But here I am. In my 30s. Not standing out at all. Maybe this is what I was created for. This low level, nothing life of going through the motions. I wonder?
I started thinking …..that if Miracles are possible….then I need a miracle now. Today.